For the record
by ekc293
Summary: She didn't know, did she? Spoilers for 05x02
1. Chapter 1

**SPOILERS FOR 05x02**

Kind of like a rewrite to the end scene of Cloudy With a Chance of Murder.  
Just because I am having major feelings about her pause and the way his eyes squint.

* * *

"For the record, I wasn't gonna sleep with her."

"I know."

A pause. That damn pause that made his vision go blurry, his eyes squint as if that would help it make more sense, his heartbeat so fast he could swear he felt it breaking in his chest.

She didn't know, did she?

She didn't know.

"You thought I would sleep with her," he murmured, unable to keep the hurt out of his tone, "You thought I would cheat on you."

"No!" she said too quickly.

"Kate…" he said, the words catching in his throat.

He needed to sit down, lean against something to keep him from falling over.

She thought he would cheat on her.

"No," she said, moving over to him, "I know you… I know you wouldn't…" she sighed, pursing her lips in frustration, the words coming out quietly when she finally found them, "… but the boys and I were talking over dinner and Ryan said that you should've been more excited because she's known for seducing men and bikinis and Esposito said that you're a man and you have a pulse so _you_ would definitely be putting the moves on _her _and –"

"They're not me, Kate," he said his voice still quiet, his head still spinning because Kate Beckett, his partner, his girlfriend who he had finally gotten a chance to love after four long years of foreplay, actually thought that he would throw all of that away for someone who _wasn't _her.

He couldn't decide whether to be more angry or hurt.

"If they thought that I would just… give up on you…" he continued, shaking his head, "… then they don't know me at all."

"Castle –"

"You don't know me at all," he whispered, almost dumbstruck.

How could she doubt him?

He watched her blanche, freeze in front of him, her eyes shining and he felt the air leave his lungs because he was hurting her and that was the last thing he ever wanted to do.

But she hurt him first.

"You don't know me at all," he said, his voice growing stronger as he got control of his limbs, moving towards her slowly, "if you think for a moment that there could be anyone else."

He reached for her, took her head in his hands and forced her to look up at him, his thumbs against her cheeks keeping her steady.

"I waited four years," he said, his voice low, "for the chance to love you. Four years of waiting for you. And now that I've got you… you're crazy to believe that I would throw that all away. I love you, Kate. _You_. Why would I ever want anyone else when I've got _you?"_

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to avoid his gaze no doubt, her lip trembling, and he wanted to kiss her, wanted to be angry that she didn't trust him but really he's the one that planted the doubt in the first place, hadn't he? Advocating so fiercely for the date to keep their secret but really he could see how much she didn't like the idea, hadn't he? He should have known it was a bad idea to start with.

He was the one who had sex with his ex-wife whenever she came into town.

He was the one who got back together with his second ex-wife and publisher after she turned him down.

He was the one who flaunted blonde flight attendants in her face when he found out she lied to him.

Oh…

"I'm sorry I made you doubt me," he said, "I am. But you have to know that there's no one else, Kate. I don't want, or need anybody else. I have you."

Her arms were around his waist then, pressing herself against him with her face pressed into his chest. He let his hands fall from her face, moving to wrap around her shoulders as he pressed his cheek against her hair, breathing her in.

"I'm sorry," he heard her mumble into his shirt as she shook her head from side to side, "I'm sorry."

He pressed his lips against her hair, hugging her tighter.

"It's okay," he murmured into his hair.

She continued to shake her head against him.

"It's not," she said, her voice growing stronger as she pulled away from him slightly.

"I know you," she said fiercely, "I know you would never do that to me… Or anyone else for that matter. I trust you… but I got jealous and let other people get into my head when they don't matter. The only people that matter are us…"

He stared at her for a moment as she rambled on, trying to keep himself from kissing her because he still didn't want to overstep his boundaries but he loved her so much that it was a constant struggle not to prove it to her.

So he settled.

He pulled her back into his arms, hugging her tightly against his chest, tucking her head under her chin and rubbing a hand up and down her back.

"Now you know," he mumbled, nearly sighing in relief when he felt her hands fist into his shirt. He rocked them a little, swaying side to side as he breathed her in. He couldn't help the slow smile that made its way across his face as he murmured the familiar words into her hair.

"I just want _you_."


	2. Chapter 2

For the reviewer who said:

"One sided relationship and double standard, enough said."

because clearly we are not watching the same show.

* * *

They were curled up in her bed because she hadn't kicked him out, him in a pair of sweats he had left over with her one night when he'd stayed over. He was leaning against her pillows, her head lying against his t-shirt covered stomach, facing away from him, his fingers playing with her hair, unable to fall asleep.

She didn't know.

"You don't trust me," he whispered, twirling the ends of her ponytail around his finger.

She shifted again him, turning slowly so his fingers fell from her hair until she was facing him. He let his hand settled on her side, his fingers resting absently against the fabric of her sleep shirt, the buttons resting crookedly along her skin where the cotton had gotten stuck underneath her hips as she moved.

"You know I do," she whispered.

He shook his head slightly, his fingers curling against her shirt.

"I know you trust me with your life," he said, matching her tone, "and as your partner…" he let his fingers trail up her side, until his fingers brushed over her chest, directly over her heart, "… but not with this."

She stared at him for a moment, averting her eyes for a moment.

"I don't trust anyone with it," she whispered, almost like she was ashamed. She reached up and wrapped her fingers around his, linking them together and pulling them away from her chest before looking up at him, "But I want to. I want to be as giving as you are to me."

He nodded, giving her a small smile like that was enough but she knew it wasn't. She stared at him, a look in his eyes that she had seen before peeking out past his mask.

There was love there. And a tiny little bit of acceptance and… and…

Fear.

She felt the air leave her lungs in a rush at the realization.

"You think I'm going to break your heart," she whispered.

He looked at her sadly for only a moment before his gaze wandered down to their linked fingers.

"You certainly have the power to," he murmured noncommittally.

She realized just how true that was.

He'd been cheated on by his ex-wives.

He was left raising his daughter alone, where no one knew the real him and no one wanted to because he had money and a recognizable last name and that was enough for most people.

She hurt him when she dated Demming.

Hurt him again when she dated Josh even after they kissed in that alley and none of that had been fake.

She hurt him worse when she kicked him out of her life for three months after she'd been shot and never called.

Hurt him the worst when she lied to him, told her that she didn't know he loved her.

Oh…

She's already broken his heart, hadn't she?

The realization felt like a punch in the stomach.

She sat up on her bed, watching as his eyes clouded over, obviously thinking that he said something wrong and she was so sick of that. He shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around her.

When she was upright, she tossed one of her legs of his stomach, his hands immediately on her hips to steady her as her hands fell to her shoulders.

"I can't promise that I won't mess this up," she said, her thumbs rubbing down over his collarbones as he inhaled deeply at her words.

"I can't promise I won't run from you. Or shut you out," she continued her voice low, his eyes never leaving her face.

She laughed softly before biting her lip, dropping her eyes from his, her fingers making patterns on his shirt.

"Do you remember when I met Kyra?" she felt him startle underneath her, but she pressed on, "And I told you that I didn't think you did 'real'?" she looked up at him and gave him a sad smile, "It turns out I'm the one who can't do it."

"Kate…" he started to say, but she cut him off with a soft shake of her head.

"Castle, you were right when you told me last year that I was hiding. Because I was; I was hiding from real. I was hiding from _you_."

He looked at her, his eyes shining suspiciously.

"I'm not the writer in his relationship," she said, shaking her head as she dropped her gaze down to his t-shit, "and I don't have the pretty words you do to try and fix how badly I've hurt you in the past… but Castle…"

She paused, biting her lip, trying to find the words.

"I promise that I'll _try_. I'll try to fix it. I'll try to come back. Because this…" she let her palm rest against his heart, her whispered words falling between them, "… This is much too special for me to break any more than I already have. I'm sorry that I've hurt you so much because you–"

"Is it still too soon?"

"What?"

She looked at him, saw the emotion burning behind his eyes and she still didn't understand where he was going but suddenly he was sitting upright. Her hands clenched around his t-shirt as he wrapped an arm around her waist, the other coming up to cup the side of her neck as he pressed his lips to hers softly, kissing her gently, not trying to ignite any passion, or push her farther than she wanted to go, but just needing to kiss the words from her lips.

Her eyes fell shut and he kissed her for a moment longer, just the light, delicious, weight of his lips against hers before he pulled away, moving to wrap her tighter in his embrace.

She breathed him in, wrapping her arms around his torso and closing her eyes.

This wouldn't go away overnight. The insecurities would linger and the doubt would creep in from time to time. She knew that. And she could tell he knew it too. But they would try; for themselves because this was too important to mess up, for each other because they deserved the best; for them, together, because they could do this and they could continue to still be amazing.

She smiled, pressing a kiss against his cotton covered heart.

They could make this work.

* * *

okay, now it's seriously complete.


End file.
